[D7,MA]Faith, Hope, and Chastity (Closed)

[Daveth Coldbrook]

(OOC: With Reader permission, since this is simply Daveth praying alone/chewing up the scenery, this doesn't take up a timeslot. It's just supposed to be a bit of fun, and let Daveth work through some things.)

Daveth kneels down before the Heart Tree. He doesn't often feel the need to be so close. Most times, simply being in the godswood is enough for him to feel their presence. But this time, he needs all the help he can get.

Gods, grant me the clarity to see what I should do, the wisdom to accept it, and the strength to accomplish it. Waiting a few seconds, his troubled mind at least settles a bit, and finds some degree of clarity.

There's a woman. Dyana Marsten. She's special. But I'm uncertain if I should continue to pursue her hand in marriage.

So. Step one. Fundamental question. Should I be looking to get married at all? I'm only 18. There's no need to be rushing into things. I can certainly afford to wait a few years. Our house would hopefully be stronger by then, making me a better prospect.

Yes. The Coldbrooks need the allies, and you need the help.

The way things are going, in a few years, you'll either be dead, or a burnt-out husk of a man, worn out from the stress of carrying your house in all matters non-martial. Now's the best time.

Okay. So, Dyana. Objectively, is she the best choice?

Define 'best'.

Well, okay. Let's look politically first: You are politically insignificant, but militarily powerful. They are militarily over-stretched, and politically powerful. It's an ideal match. That's where this idea came from, and nothing's changed, save that once you've fought off the clans, your leverage decreases.

And well, as for personally: it is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.

You'd make a *great* wife for Dyana.

Great. Thanks. Okay, well, let's consider alternatives. What other houses have I had dealings with?

There's Yve Tullison, but she's playing high-stakes 'hard to get', and there's no telling if she takes more after her brother or her uncle. And if she does take after her uncle, I would not invite such a snake into my own home at any price. Plus, I'd be wooing her while investigating her uncle, and that's a hypocrisy too far.

Alya Longshore, another warrior woman, but the Longshores are political poison at the moment, and the Ironborn culture is ... distasteful to me.

Ysme Bartheld is the only other politically practical match. Both the Coldbrooks and the Barthelds have much to offer each other, but the *last* thing we need is another 'notorious tearaway'. Particularly anywhere near power. She'd be a good match for Garret, probably, but not for me.

Beyond that, there are names like 'Lady Clayre Peake', or 'Lady Katriona Fossoway', but I know nothing about them or their houses. Perhaps worth looking into at some point.

Okay, so, in principle, a marriage to Dyana is indeed sensible. Let's consider the two little complications she's revealed.

Complication one: she's not a maiden. Does this matter?

Well, should it get that far, it means she actually has some standards in bed, by which you will be judged. And found wanting, no doubt.

She told you and she's known you less than a week. The longer you leave things, the more likely it is, having already told one person, she'll feel confident enough to tell another. Then things could get ... interesting.

So, there's the moral aspect. However, given that she clearly expected to never marry for love, it's at least understandable. There's just the feeling that she feels ... sullied, somehow. Like she threw away her pride for temporary sensations.

Does Dyana *look* like a woman who threw away any of her pride?

...Point. She clearly dealt with those situations with her in control. She had sex when and how she wanted, like...

like a man. It might be time to accept that you really can't apply female standards to her.

That's only half the story, though. She definitely has the heart of a woman. She's like a blend of male and female, taking the best traits of both, but neither set of rules completely applies to her. She's something different.

So. Do I care that she's been with other men?

Yes. Yes, I do care.

Can I accept that, and still seek her heart?

...

Think of it like this. Picture the two of you under the covers together. Naked. Hot. Sweating. Groaning, moaning, joined together in pleasure. Is what's going through your mind how incredible that would be, or is it how dirty you find her?

Daveth's distracted from his mental deliberation by an urgent need. Looking around quickly to confirm he's alone, he swiftly re-arranges his clothes to hide his erection attempting to burst from his lap.

Thought so.

Oh, no, Septon. I wasn't thinking inappropriate thoughts in my faith's holy place, I just find carved trees *so* arousing, don't you?

Alright. So, the second point. She doesn't think she can love a man.

I don't think you could *be* a man, so I don't see the problem.

I could accept a purely cold marriage for politics. Honestly, it's about what I was expecting. But it won't be. The chances of me not falling in love with her are approximately nil. And an unrequited love with the woman you live with is I believe one of the seven hells. One of the nastier ones.

Well, let's consider her position. She sought physical satiation from a man. Now, that's probably easier than finding it from a woman, but still, it's something she willingly did to sate her needs, so clearly, physically there's *something* there. But emotionally, she's only loved a woman. All that assuming I read her implications correctly.

So, what she needs is someone with the mind of a woman in a man's body? Hello, fate!

Mentally and emotionally, there's not the concrete rules between the sexes that there are physically. If she is physically attracted to men, there's theoretically no rational reason why she couldn't emotionally connect with one with the right mind.

So, the question becomes: am I willing to risk a living hell on the gamble that I can get her to love me where all men before me failed?

You don't even love yourself. How could you expect her to? The only measure by which you are a man is that you're a miserable little pile of secrets!

...Huh. You know, I hadn't even considered. Does *she* love herself? Is she *happy*?

Her father's missing indefinitely. Which must hurt, considering how much she cares for Breaker. Three cousins and an uncle dead. Consider how much losing Joren fucked you up, and multiply.

'My deeds are duty, and none of them are worthy of a lady's pride.' she said. She's dutiful to her family to a fault. And she knows that her 'complications' could damage them. That has to hurt.

...Could it be? That for all her projected confidence, she can't bring herself to love herself either? Her hard and spiky exterior just a front to protect the wounds she carries around with her?

It takes a certain level of self-hatred to view it as justified to risk your life to save others if there's no social pressure to. The idolisation of others can only carry you so far. At a certain point, you have to start devaluing your own life. Consciously or not, she almost certainly views her life as being less 'worthy' than that of her sister and cousin. Probably because of those 'complications'.

Oh, if she could see herself through my eyes... Daveth's eyes light up with an inner fire.

You have your answer?

Yes. If she's pressured into marrying another, she'd likely consider it abandoning her duty to protect them. Her sense of worth would plummet. That would be an even worse hell. The only way for her to be happy is if she lays her burdens down willingly. If her family is safe from the clans, and she finds value in her own life. Something to live for.

And you seriously believe *you* can be that?

Daveth closes his eyes, feels his confidence rising. Yes.

Do you *want* to be? Are you prepared to risk hell to see it through?

Daveth opens his eyes and looks at the carving in the Heart Tree. When we first met, and I wasn't sure if I should drop her title or not, you said to say it, or regret it forever. You were right, then. And right now, if I don't even try to help her, and in doing so, help myself, I'll regret it even more.

You're just a young scholar. No master diplomat, or charmer, or seducer. You have no plan, no idea on how to proceed! What can you possibly do?

Sometimes, the desire to dance is enough, and fuck anything that gets in your way.

Good answer. But you need a plan. I'll give you a hint that may help. Clue one: who did she reveal she wanted to protect most? Clue two: Remember the gift intended for Ser Jorah? Then things changed, and you put it to one side, thinking it useless?

Daveth's eyes flickered for a few seconds, trying to work out what his brain was trying to tell him. Then he froze, his eyes went open, and his mouth gapes wide. Ohhhhhhh. Oh, gods. That's ... even if it *works*, it could go so horribly wrong. But if everything goes to plan...gods. It would be incredible.

Daveth shakes his head clear, stands, gives a deep bow of thanks to the Heart Tree, turns and leaves, a new confidence in his step, and fire in his eyes.